Flushing.
Shit.
I'm still only in Flushing
Everytime I think I'm gonna wake up, back on set.
When I was home after my first feature it was worse.
I'd wake and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a thing to my boss, until I said yes to quitting.
When I was here I wanted to be there. When I was there, all I could think of was getting back behind the camera. I'm here a week now, waiting for a gig. Getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room my technique gets weaker and every minute other DP's squat behind a camera, they get stronger.
Each time I looked around, the walls moved in a little tighter.
Everyone gets everything he wants.
I wanted a gig.
And for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like room service
It was a real choice gig. And when it was over. I'd never want another.
I was shooting the worst film in the world and I didn't even know it yet.
Sometimes I feel like Martin Sheen's Captain Willard in Apocalypse Now. I'm waiting for my next gig, drinking, hitting mirrors and rolling around in a drunken haze, crying.
Good thing my sheets are crimson.
2 comments:
Keep your head up, man.
I have been carrying this monologue around in my head for a while. I've just made it fit my situation, here in Frushing.
I feel like I'm waiting for people to call me, to go and shoot their movies, but that I'm biding my time between jobs, wasting away, going a little crazy waiting for the call.
In the beginning of Apocalypse Now, there is a voice over, as Willard recounts his tale of going up the river to find Kurtz.
Saigon.
Shit.
I'm still only in Saigon.
Everytime I think I'm gonna wake up, back in the jungle.
When I was home after my first tour it was worse.
I'd wake up and there'd be nothing.
I hardly said a word to my wife, until I said yes to a divorce.
When I was here I wanted to be there. When I was there, all I could think of was getting back into the jungle.
I'm here a week now, waiting for a mission. Getting softer. Every minute I stay in this room, I get weaker and every minute Charlie squats in the bush, he gets stronger.
Each time I looked around, the walls moved in a little tighter.
Everyone gets everything he wants.
I wanted a mission.
And for my sins, they gave me one. Brought it up to me like roomservice.
It was a real choice mission. And when it was over. I'd never want another.
I was going to the worst place in the world and I didn't even know it yet.
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